Thoughts on conscious Love and Compassion because when we attend to our greater good we are attending to THE greater good.

Archive for the ‘Cleansing’ Category

The Similarity Between Grieving and Puberty

Desperate Confusion“When angry count to four;  when very angry, swear.”  Mark Twain

 

10 months after “The Divorce”…suddenly the kids (12 & 13) are at each other’s throats again.

“Why are you so mad?”

“I don’t know!!”
“Everyone is on my nerves.”
“I love my legos because they’re the only things that don’t get aggravate me right now!!”

Learning experts say that it takes 10,000 hours of practicing something in order to master it.  My 10,000 hours has got to be the grieving process…so, I recognize the second stage; after denial comes anger.

After talking through, working through, adjusting through and making it through almost a year of thoughtful grieving I’m left thinking, “Holy crap, have the last 10 months merely been a prolonged and conscious version of denial?!  OR is this simply puberty at its worst?”  I really considered the possibility that all of the exuberance I was feeling about getting over the hump was a glorified version of avoidance and denial.  Suddenly, I was crushed.  I wasn’t sure if I had it in me to pick up the gauntlet again and gently walk through it all with myself and my kids.  Heck – I was convinced that if I absolutely had to go through it again there’d be nothing patient about it, I mean, GEEZ, let’s get over this already!!

Then, I remembered.  The highs and lows of the grieving process surprise us in waves (just like they do in puberty).  Honestly, the impetus for this renewed anger is irrelevant; it only matters that we deal with it consciously – just like we did at the onset and just like we would if it were puberty alone.

Grief and puberty aren’t all that different, actually – the cycles of emotion come and go, the change we face everyday (whether we like it or not) is imposed upon us and, really, we have the wonderful opportunity to go within and see what it has to offer.  We’ve decided it offers us practice at setting intention everyday (about how we treat one another and how we receive input from each other), we also have ample opportunity to practice grace, compassion and putting each other first.  Really, if you think about it, we’re quite fortunate to get so much practice using healthy coping mechanisms at the beginning of our new, post-divorce lives so that when the easier, happier waves come we don’t have bad habits in place to ruin them.

Yeah, we got this.

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I am a Trauma & Illness Recovery Coach:  Life Coach for people who feel no one understands.  
You can learn more about my and my services at www.TheWellnessAccomplice.com or find me on Facebook.
 

And yes…I capitalize words like Love, Self and Happiness because they just feel that important to me.

Life Coaches are Imperfect

cryBeing a life coach doesn’t mean that I am problem-free.  I do have problems.  In fact, after about 9 months in the grieving process and feeling like the kids and I were doing pretty well after “The Divorce” – they’re at each other’s throats and it leaves me wondering, “were the last nine months a deceitful cycle?  Were we actually in denial the whole time and we’re just now hitting anger?”

Likewise, being a trauma and illness coach doesn’t keep me from experiencing trauma or illness.  After all…I did still go through “The Divorce” and I’m still working at getting well after meningitis struck me eight long years ago!
Being a life coach DOES, however, give me amazing tools on how to deal w/ the problems/trauma/illness; being a life coach DOES give me practice at not only facing my crap (ask my closest friends and they’ll tell you all about those moment’s when I just cry) but facing it with a deeper understanding that “IT” is not “ME”.
I actually like to think of it as facing my crap with aplomb; I face my process without guilt or shame (truth is, sometimes we ALL just cry).
Being a life coach also gives me a deeper understanding of those adages that we say but sometimes don’t really get until we’ve been through the wringer:  “this too shall pass,” “time heals all wounds,” (I don’t necessarily agree with that one see this post to find out why), and “it’s always darkest before the dawn” and my favorite (one that drives some people nuts), “everything happens for a reason.”
Truth is there is no immunity to human tribulations.  It is important for all of us to remember that.  When we do we can accept that sometimes we haven’t done anything “wrong” – it’s just a piece of the puzzle that makes up our life story.
Pain is inevitable; suffering is a choice.  Sometimes we just need to cry and ask for help.  When we do we actively improve our situation and ourselves.
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I am a Trauma & Illness Recovery Coach:  Life Coach for people who feel no one understands.  
You can learn more about my and my services at www.TheWellnessAccomplice.com or find me on Facebook.

And yes…I capitalize words like Love, Self and Happiness because they just feel that important to me.

Time Does NOT Heal all Wounds

heal-a-cut.s600x600“There’s a lot of bitterness, there’s a lot of anger out there.  We all have to work hard to heal those wounds.” – Allen Boyd
After a big transformative event we’re often left dazed, confused, hurt or lost.  During these times we hear, either from ourselves or others, “that time heals all wounds.”  I’ve been a life coach for long enough that I recognize that while this advice is well-meaning and will help someone focus on the temporary nature of any problem it is, quite simply, inaccurate.
Yes, eventually a routine will kick in and we’ll feel less and less dazed.  We will begin to employ coping mechanisms that help us find meaning that dulls the confusion and the pain.  And we will be forced to go on which, with time,  will help us feel less lost.  Basically, distance from the big moments will get us functional.
However, functionality is not the same as healing.
We cannot truly heal unless we take the time to seek help in seeing our blind spots and then choose to go inward.  We must be willing to (when we’re ready) lean into the experience of the transformative event and evaluate any conclusions we’ve made around that experience. We must give ourselves permission to consciously access a healing process that is right for us…and that takes work!!
I encourage you to love yourself enough to go, layer by layer, into your emotions, your thoughts and assumptions to find  true healing so that you may begin your real purpose here.
Time may get you functional but it will not, on it’s own, heal all wounds; only consciousness and Love can do that.
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Triffany Hammond is a Trauma & Illness Recovery Coach:  Life Coach for people who feel no one understands.
You can learn more about my and my services at www.TheWellnessAccomplice.com or find me on Facebook.

And yes…I capitalize words like Love, Self and Happiness because they just feel that important to me.

They Can’t Handle our “Stuff”

“The essence of true friendship is to make allowance for another’s lapses.”  Frankfort Moore

Painfully often it is the people who love us the most that seem to get the most frustrated with our healing progress (or lack thereof).

Remember, that frustration is usually coming from a frustration on their part because they’ve run out of ways to help, or advice to give – they’ve exhausted all of their tools and it’s upsetting to them that their help hasn’t fixed anything at all.

People who love you have an agenda…they want you to be well and happy. 

Understand this is NOT a reflection of your value or worth in their eyes; their frustration is more a reflection of their own inability to help.  Your path is your path and as much as friends/family want to they can neither build it for you or make sure you walk it in a way that is satisfying to them.

Understanding this simple concept  (this is not your failure) puts you back in a place of power – not over them, over yourself – so that you can continue to treat them with compassion and work toward your own healing.  We can only build from our empowering places and our empowering places are in love.

Spring Cleaning for the Self

It is natural this time of year for one’s attention to turn to transition and cleanliness.  Springtime brings about that feeling of renewal and freshness; so much so that it is almost as though we cannot help ourselves.  We begin by picking up a room or a drawer that we’ve allowed to get cluttered with our tools of hibernation and soon find ourselves planning for improvement projects, gardens (even if we know we’re no good at it) and redecorating.

This is one of the reasons that Spring is my most favored seasons.  Though it is wonderful to affect this kind of change on our physical surroundings it can also do us much good to consider the opportunity to perform a similar Spring cleaning on our Mind/Soul/Self.

Instead of simply sorting the junk drawer ponder the mindset (or lack of) that went into the stockpiling in the first place.   Take a close look at what is in that junk drawer/room.  Dead batteries and broken pens?  Chargers and electronic pieces that you’re not sure what they go to?  Keys without locks?  Outdated stamps?  Whatever it is – take a look at and see if there are any parallels between that item and something in your life or your mindset.  Similar to a broken pen or a dead battery, perhaps you keep other broken or dead “things” in your life – friendships, relationships, grudges?  Did you keep them by default never realizing the clutter they created or did you knowingly stock them away because you couldn’t be sure if you’d ever need to focus on them again?  Consider the possibility that something could be gained (Hint:  There is MUCH to be gained) from simply saying, “this doesn’t serve me anymore” and letting it go?  Lockless keys may correlate to all the answers you have to problems that aren’t yours.  There’s a chance that you’re holding onto worry, regrets and decisions that are out of your control or from the distant past.  Recognize, mindfully, what issues are really your own to face and be willing to face them.  Don’t worry, you’ll have more energy to do that now that you’re letting everyone else’s go!!

Our default habits come from somewhere and they stick with us longer than we realize and in ways that may not even seem significant – like a junk drawer.  NOW is the time to give those patterns their due consideration.  Maybe they’ll be hard to let go and chances are good it will take you more than one time to relinquish them.  Remember,  practice makes perfect.  You may not even notice it the next time you throw a dead battery back in the drawer but perhaps you’ll notice it when you try to replace other dead batteries and you’ll have that same chance to revisit the recesses of your mind and ask yourself the question, “do I need this?”  If you don’t – let it go – without regret.

What are some examples you’ve come across, either this Spring or in previous Springs/Cleansing sessions?